My Testimony

TW: mentions uncomfortable topics surrounding depression and *uicide.

Welcome (or welcome back) to In the Whispers, a collection of anecdotes, essays, and rambles of little pieces of wisdom I receive from God “in the whispers”: in retrospection, prayer, and messy little moments. I hope this blesses you, and please consider subscribing. <3

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Written on December 6th, 2025.

Three years ago today, my entire life changed. It was the day God reached me in my depression, and quite literally saved the life I was ready to throw away.

I never shared my testimony on here, so I think today is a pretty fitting day to do so. Hopefully, my story reminds some of you of how God has shown up in your life, but I also hope this may reach someone who does not currently believe. My message is simple: God can reach you.

Childhood

I was a sad girl at a young age. I wasn’t always like that; in fact, I was very imaginative and hopeful as a small child, but by the time I started middle school, I changed.

I suppose there were plenty of external factors that contributed to this. I was often bullied for my appearance; my parents were going through their divorce, and we were straddling the poverty line. Still, I was 11 years old when I first started writing in my diary about not wanting to be here, which is pretty concerning.

I didn’t know there was a word for it at the time, but I would write and think about how good it would be if I could achieve “not being here” through my own actions. When I did learn the word, it remained stuck in my mind for quite some time.

Going through the rest of middle school and high school, I quickly became known as “the sad girl”. I was sardonic and pessimistic. I hated everything about myself. I didn’t want to be helped. I just wanted to stay down. After all, It became comfortable. My friends were sad; my favorite singers were sad; my art was sad. I didn’t know any other way. There were many times where I’d want to act on my thoughts, but I could never bring myself to. I wanted to do it, but I was also pretty scared of what would happen next. Though I started rejecting God as a teenager, I still had a level of *literal* fear and uncertainty surrounding God. So, instead, I’d settle for self-sabotage and even harm.

I tried filling the void through New Age practices. I took up astrology, tarot, and other related things thinking it would fix me. It was fun for me at first, but the more I would engage with New Age practices, and the more I went down the rabbit hole, the more “off” I felt. This along with the tough experiences happening in my personal life at 16 (breakups, family deaths, family dysfunction, poverty, etc.) made the rest of high school feel like a strange dream.

I’d have such terrible nightmares that I couldn’t sleep at night. There was one night where I was so paranoid, that I remember praying to escape the paranoia, the first time I prayed in a long time, and it actually worked. I don’t know if something truly dark was happening or if I was simply anxious (I personally think both), but I learned that there’s power in the name of Jesus. I thought I was ready to then try again with Christianity, but when I saw in the Bible that the spiritual practices I was pursuing were not of God, I refused to be a Christian. It scared me sometimes, but New Age had become my identity. I couldn’t let it go.

College

By the time I got to the point where I started applying for colleges, I was shocked. I really didn’t think I’d make it that far. I didn’t have any dream schools, as I barely had any dreams. I didn’t even know what sort of job I’d want to do. Still, I knew the people around me cared about my success, and I do believe at this point in life, I grew to take an interest in the application process too. By the grace of God, the scholarship program I applied for accepted me, so I was on my way to TCU (Go Frogs!).

I was certain college would be the thing to fix me after the New Age situation left me feeling about the same as I always had. I thought independence and being in a new environment would cure me. Unfortunately the opposite occurred. The first weeks of college were lonely, as I struggled to initially make friends. Meanwhile, I’d watch packs of pretty sorority girls dress up and go out every single night.

I started emulating, to the best of my ability, the life of a pretty sorority girl, because I thought that was what would fix me. I made new friends (friends who truly made me happy for what it’s worth), bought sparkly dresses, got drunk as often as possible, lived off of coffee and sweets, focused intently on increasing my beauty, but nothing worked. I remember Summer ‘22 was especially brutal. Back at home for those months, I did nothing but rot in bed everyday, because that’s all I had energy to do.

Sophomore Fall was my lowest. An attempt at happiness was certainly made: I changed my hair, learned new makeup, saw my favorite artist at the time (The Weeknd) in concert, bought a new wardrobe, joined the Honors program of my dreams, but still, I felt the same unshakeable misery I’d felt since the sixth grade.

I began to worry there was no version of me that could feel okay.

Sophomore Fall felt like being thrown overboard off a ship and trying to stay afloat against crashing waves. No matter what I’d do, I’d slip into these bouts of depression, where I couldn’t keep anything in my life together. My almost-romance failed. I struggled to keep up with my friendships. I stopped enjoying life while sober. Worst of all, I was doing miserably in school. My entire life, I had been able to balance my academics and depression, but I was so mentally unwell, that I stopped caring even about school. And how can you do well in school when you can’t focus on lectures for battling with the reoccurring, intrusive thought to just do it already and here’s how you can.

When school fell apart, I stopped caring about everything. I’d hardly eat, and my room was so dirty, I couldn’t see my floor. There would be times where I’d begin cleaning, but then I’d cry, give up, and crawl back into bed. I just didn’t have energy or motivation.

I felt like I was a horrible person. I thought I was either irrelevant or a nuisance to everyone around me. I thought the world would be much better if I weren’t in it. I didn’t care about Heaven anymore and doubted I’d ever “be good enough” to get in. I knew I wanted it all to end, but I had one final thing to put my hope in: medication. It was hard to get in touch with the campus psychiatrist, so my appointment was set for December 5th, 2022. I was going to Therapy at the time, but it just wasn’t working. I thought surely, if nothing else, medication would be the thing to finally fix me.

Two things happened the first week of December 2022. For one, I was the only person in the class I was struggling with to fail the exam, which by the way, was merely days before the final exam. I was already doing terrible in the class as a whole, so for the time in my life, I worried I would actually fail a class. As a life-long overachiever, this practically killed me on its own. Failing would also mean losing my spot in the Honors cohort I worked so hard to get into. The second thing that happened was my meeting with the psychiatrist did not go as planned. Turns out I was too much of a danger to myself to be prescribed medication, and they wanted me to check into a mental hospital. I begged, on the brink of insanity, for her to change her mind, but she wouldn’t. I didn’t have the insurance to cover this, nor did I have the time when I was so busy preparing for Finals. I felt hopeless and lost and defeated.

But God

I remember this night well. It was December 6th, 2022, about two-ish in the morning. Still thinking about my psychiatry appointment from only a few hours prior, I tossed and turned considering my options. As a person on my college’s insurance plan, I couldn’t receive medication anywhere else. What do I do now? Think, think, think. Yet, I had nothing else to put my hope in. There was nothing else that could save me.

I felt like I had finally, truly lost.

Yet, I kept tossing and turning, trying to ignore my fitted sheet. It was coming up on the side, but I didn’t care to fix it. I don’t remember exactly what I was wearing, but I’m sure it needed to be washed just like all the clothes that still scattered my floor in my filthy room. I felt stupid for wanting to call someone, but either way, I couldn’t think of someone who’d pick up. I stopped picking up the phone for them first.

I never actually wanted to go. Yet, as one barren year blurred into the next, it felt like it was only a matter of time. I started crying. I didn’t think I’d make it to see 2023. I didn’t think I’d make it to the next morning.

Then I thought of something I hadn’t in a very long time.

It had been so long, I felt guilty even calling Him.

Nevertheless, I flipped to my side and clasped my hands. I prayed for quite a few things that night in an erratic ramble, but over and over I repeated.

Help me.

Save me.

I’m sorry.

Please.

And then God’s presence was in the room, and there was an indescribable peace.

For the first night in months, I woke up from a restful sleep.

For the first time in months, I felt a sense of hope.

For the first time in years, I woke up not feeling that weird, heaviness over me.

And three years later, I haven’t felt it again.

God didn’t instantly erase my depression, but like in many Biblical stories, He made a way through. He showed me a new way of life—one that emulates Jesus Christ. He showed me a life where I can put my trust in Him always and spend my everyday growing in love and discipline. I still feel down from time to time, but now I understand that I’m not alone, and all problems can be given to God. I’ve experienced a peace like no other since choosing Christ, and I’m just so grateful that I get to experience life like this. I glow differently because of Jesus!

The Past Three Years

The past three years have been a beautiful ride. I have the energy to show up for my friends, family, and even for myself too. God has given me new dreams and the strength to pursue them. We’re even writing a book together! How cool! I prioritize healthy living, helping others, and practicing gratitude. I’m not perfect at this next one, but God is even working with me to help me decenter the need to be beautiful, which has been a lifelong insecurity and struggle of mine. (Future article, anybody?).

If not for what God did for me three years ago, I would’ve missed out on so many things! I traveled to Europe in 2024, graduated college in 2025, and now I’m living in the apartment of my dreams, building a new life for 2026 and beyond!

I think there’s a few takeaways here.

1.) Don’t. Give. Up. No matter what you may feel, don’t throw in the towel. Sorrow lasts through the night, but there’s joy in the morning. You will find your people; you will grow into your features; you will overcome the difficult situations, so don’t call it early.

2.) If you open your heart to God, He will not disappoint you. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done, how you’ve ignored Him, or anything else. Call and watch God answer. It may not always be in the way that you expected, but God cares about you, and He will never abandon you.

Life is complicated, but it’s so much sweeter with the One who loves us.

<3