I'm hurting. I'm growing.

my head hurts a lot these days.

My head hurts a lot these days.

Ibuprofens are now a part of my lunches, and sometimes I wake up and go to bed with headaches too.

I’m trying my best at work to learn and understand my new role. The technical concepts rarely make sense to me the first time, so I pour over them again and again until I get it right.

The deadlines are demanding. Not only do I want to meet the expectations, but I want to exceed them. Not only do I want to succeed, but I want to help others succeed too.

It’s a lot. I get frustrated. I get headaches.

I’ve been learning how to drive the past two months. It’s not something I talk about much, because it’s a bit humiliating, but there’s no room for pride when you blog about Jesus.

I feel eager to get my driver’s license, but I feel a plethora of other unwanted emotions too. Learning how to drive reminds me that I don’t already know how to drive. Not knowing how to drive reminds me of difficult childhood experiences and dynamics connected to me not knowing how to drive which I’d rather not remember.

Like any new skill, it’s aggravating in the beginning. It’s been weeks of me hitting a wall until I eventually get it right, but not before the agony of it all. After every two-hour lesson, my head hurts.

Also two months ago, I changed my eating habits. I decided it’s time I prioritize eating more nutritionally and eating at home rather than burning money on takeout. I’ve relaxed a little since, but to initially solidify my new eating patterns, I had to go through a period of self-control that didn’t mix well with my stress-induced cravings. So, when my head would hurt, I couldn’t use food to distract me. I just had to deal.

I met a guy on a dating app a few weeks ago. It was exciting but short-lived. We talked every single day for two weeks, learning more and more about one another, before he told me he found someone else and didn’t want to talk anymore. True to his word, I haven’t heard from him since. My heart kinda hurts, but I learned a lot about what I like and what I don’t like (for example, I don’t like dating apps). It was an opportunity to practice letting go and remaining hopeful, even in setbacks, instead of spiraling like I would’ve done even a year ago.

My head hurts whenever I open my laptop to work on my book. Sometimes, after a long day at work, the last thing I want to do is push myself to write creatively. I’m nearing the end of the story, but there’s still so much to go.

Even more than I fight to get to the end, I fight my own self-doubt and perfectionism. I know it’s only the first draft, but it’s hard to ignore the voice that yells abort, abort, abort as I cringe at my own writing. I still believe in my story, and I know it’s one worth telling, but it’s hard to keep the end in mind when the “right now” is so disheartening.

And I thank God for the pain I find myself in.

Really, I do.

What a blessing it is to have a career that allows me to afford a better life for me and my family.

What a blessing it is to stretch my brain in new ways.

What a blessing it is to choose self-control over instant gratification.

What a blessing it is to lose the wrong guy. The right guy is on the way.

What a blessing it is to choose myself and my creativity at the end of a work day—to invest in the future just on the other side of my obedience.

I’m hurting, but I’m growing.