I'm Disappointed with God

There, I said it.

For the past few weeks, I’ve done everything I can to not say it—distracting myself with work and shoving positivity down my throat until I’m sick from its artificial sweetness. Yet in the background, my prayers have gotten shorter, intentional Bible study has met the back burner, and God feels a couple doors down from where I remember Him.

It hurts to feel disappointment towards God, because I know better at the head level. I know God is good. I’ve seen God move in my life in unspeakable ways. I know God’s will is better than mine could ever be. I know I don’t deserve Him.

I know these things in my head, but my heart aches.

My heart wonders where He is and where I’m going. My heart struggles to believe God will fix what I believe to be chaos. My heart wants it my way. My heart doesn’t think this is fair. My heart also knows I don’t deserve Him and beats me up for it.

However, as I reflect on the past few weeks, I can see that God’s been there all along. In the midst of the madness lies a golden string, connecting the dots, and connecting me back to His word. The message is simple:

God knows I’m upset with Him, and He can handle it.

God just wants me to say it.

On May 28th, I read Psalm 89, which I found so intriguing that I journaled about it. The majority of the psalm focuses on God’s faithfulness and might, particularly in the covenant made with King David: “Who among the heavenly beings is like the Lord?” “You rule the raging sea; when its waves surge, You still them.”

But then the tone shifts. “You have made all his enemies rejoice.” “You have covered him with shame.” “Have You created everyone for nothing?”

The psalmist doesn’t use “I statements”, nor is he vague in who he refers to. He feels the Lord has turned his back on King David and all his descendants. Yet, something I admire is how the psalm still ends in “May the Lord be praised forever.”

What I learned is that two things can be true at once: I can experience these very difficult feelings, and I can praise God and truly love Him.

The church sermon I listened to last week was about the story of Jacob, the man who wrestles with God (Genesis 32:24-32).

I always thought the story was interesting, but it’s been a while since thinking about how it applies to the current human experience. You have Jacob, a Machiavellian man, who fought his whole life, starting with him stealing the birthright from his older brother through manipulating his father.

Towards the end of Jacob’s story, Jacob wrestles with who he at first assumes to be a man, but later realizes is God, considering how he refuses to let go until he’s blessed.

And it says he was then blessed by God.

Before God blesses Jacob during the wrestling scene, he strikes his hip, effectively stopping the fighter long enough to get his attention and ultimately help him. I wonder if that’s what God is doing in my life.

But the point is that God is going to let us figure it out. He can handle our meltdowns and frustrations. He’ll even meet us in it as the story presents.

For my personal Bible Study, I’ve been spending time in the Book of Judges, and the story I read today was about Gideon, a man who God uses to save Israel (after they mess up again - real).

What stuck out to me is that when the Angel of the Lord appears to Gideon, He says “The Lord is with you, mighty warrior.”

And Gideon? He says, “If the Lord is with us, why has all this happened? And where are all His wonders that our fathers told us about?” (in reference to the distressing circumstances the Israelites found themselves in).

What I noticed is that God doesn’t turn His back on Gideon. Quite the opposite, God exalts Gideon and uses him in His plan to redeem Israel.

Later in the story, Gideon doubts God and asks for signs. Other parts of the Bible tell us that we’re not supposed to rely on visible signs to believe in God, yet God is gracious towards Gideon and shows him the signs as requested.

God understands we’re human, and more importantly, its implications. After all, He created us.

It’s okay to be doubtful towards God.

It’s okay to be angry towards God.

It’s okay to be annoyed towards God.

It’s okay to be disappointed towards God.

God can handle it.

But God wants us to share this with Him. Like any good relationship, He wants us to communicate with Him, rather than hiding in the face of adversity. Believe me, I don’t want to feel these things toward God, because He doesn’t deserve it at all, but God understands His creation.

What I’m finding is that God wants to be in our lives in good times and bad times. He loves us no matter what our feelings may be toward Him, and I really do believe (at the head level but hopefully soon the heart level as well), that God will do something with our honesty. I trust that He’ll make it all better, that He’ll make me all better.

But He first needs our honesty.

So say it.