After the Confession

What Happens When You Tell God How You Really Feel

Welcome (or welcome back) to In the Whispers, a collection of anecdotes, essays, and rambles about wisdom I receive from God “in the whispers”: in retrospection, prayer, and messy little moments. I hope this blesses you, and please consider subscribing. <3

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Last week, I wrote an article called “I’m Disappointed with God”. It was a confession captured in real time, the messy sort of article where you cry and you write and you discover all at once.

Truthfully, it was a scary thing to admit to both myself and God, but I know it was something God wanted me to do, and the subsequent 24 hours showed me exactly why.

[Spoiler: God is super intentional and loving and kind].

After the confession, God revealed pride in me.

This was a hard pill to swallow, but it was the pill that ultimately cured me.

After the confession, I very soon realized that the reason I was so disappointed with God was due to the misalignment between what I thought my life should look like right now and the reality. I had plans that I believed deep down were the best and only way. So, when my life started taking a turn in a different direction, I couldn’t deal. From my perspective, God was failing me, because He wasn’t working within my vision, the vision I almost thought to be owed to me. Pride like this limits us from seeking to see God’s point of view and robs us of the fruit that comes with abiding in Him.

But what’s also interesting about this experience is that it showed me, too, the pride I had in my own piety.

No one wants to believe they’re that Christian, the one that tsk tsks and shakes their head at the “poor souls” who just don’t “get God” the way they do. No one wants to believe they’re the Christian who thinks they’re invincible.

But through this, I learned that deep down, I kinda did think that way. I read my Bible every day; I pray every night. Subconsciously, I thought I was unstoppable!

But then this happened.

And it shook my faith to near apathy.

I didn’t think I was capable of tantrums, and I certainly didn’t think I was capable of feeling disappointment with GOD—aka, the only perfect being in the universe.

Yet, there I was, throwing tantrums and feeling very very very disappointed.

I don’t fully know how this will grow my relationship with God, but I do know I’m a lot more aware. It’s a blessing to see your own flaws, and not the superficial ones like a crooked nose, but the real flaws that impact your ability to love God and love others.

And this revelation could only occur through admitting and accepting my true feelings, as difficult as they were. Pride is ugly and it feels a bit ugly to write, but it’s such a blessing to know that God loves me, even with my complicated emotions, and is invested in helping me grow.

After the confession, God reminded me of how he’s shown up for me in the past

This was happening a bit before the confession too, but lately my thoughts have been filled with recollections of the ways God has shown up for me in the past few years: landing my job, saving me from financial problems, and even helping me pass my accounting exam back in college!

At first, I didn’t understand what was going on, but then I recognized the pattern: God was the center of all these stories.

Thankfully, it’s been a while since I’ve been tested the way I’m being tested right now, but it was comforting to be reminded that I’ve survived this before!

If God did it for me in the past, He will do it again. That’s the power of testimony.

After the confession, God told me to get an ice cream cone, and He told me it’s going to be okay.

The day after the confession, there was a moment where I really felt like taking a walk, but it wasn’t my usual walking time. I typically take walks in the morning, but at this point, it was around 7pm—sunny out, yet still approaching evening. This is also the time I usually spend preparing for the following week, so I felt guilty wanting to take a break to do something relaxing when I should’ve been doing something more productive (a different pattern for a different article).

Nevertheless, I went to my usual park. This day at the park was especially eventful, as there was an outdoor watch party going on for the World Cup. I walked around for a bit, before wandering over to the food trucks, and among the food trucks was an ice cream truck. If I’m being honest, I can’t remember the last time I had ice cream from an ice cream truck, if ever.

I really wanted the ice cream, but I recently had dinner and felt like having an ice cream cone after recently eating was “too much” (College Anaya would never think this btw). Then I told myself an ice cream cone was an “unnecessary purchase” (Again, College Anaya would never), but in the end, I really think—to paraphrase—God was like “girl, get the ice cream cone.”

So, I made my unnecessary $5 purchase, that I initially worried would break the bank, I took a nibble, and it was the best ice cream I’ve had in a very long time. Immediately following this, one of my current favorite songs (Choosin’ Texas by Ella Langley) began to play, a soft breeze blew by, and I realized for the first time that it’s summer.

So, I finished my walk enjoying my ice cream cone, lost in the sound of my favorite song, and also enjoying the quality of sunlight that only a June in Texas can bring.

I know this story seems a bit disconnected from the rest of the article, but it’s important. I told God I was disappointed, and He sent me an ice cream cone. Sometimes His comfort is simple like that. A warm day and a cold treat.

I heard God loud and clear in this moment.

He forgives me.

He understands me.

And I’m going to be just fine.